This is almost definitely a phrase I’ll hear the day after a heavy binge and it’s just one of many things that I brace myself for after I have woken up and realise it’s happened all over again.
While drunken, mundane repetition might be fairly innocuous and harmless, it’s just the very tip of a large iceberg which is destined to inflame, hurt, offend, disappoint and anger others. This is all thanks to the reaction I have to alcohol, particularly in large quantities.
Now, I wouldn’t consider myself an ‘abnormal’ drinker, especially in the UK where approximately 80% of adults drink. My problem is I am a habitual drinker who pretends I have control of it when actually, I’m a puppet on a string.
Generally the pattern is thus: I have a bout of not drinking, cleansing my body, mind and soul of toxins and guilt and feeling miserable. A few weeks or a month or so later I’ll buckle and have a drink, or maybe two. I’ll tell myself that I’ll leave it again for another period of time until a ‘special’ occasion comes along. What really happens is I commence drinking again the very next day, maybe a beer, maybe two. Then it’s likely to be the next day and the next day until we get to (usually) a Friday, where I’ll have some more. Then Saturday, and more and so the cycle continues throughout the working week – start steady and then really start to lubricate properly at weekends.
This is all until I have one of my infamous heavy drinking occasions where I want to drink and drink and drink. I’ve had more than enough (several drinks ago), but ‘I’m not doing any harm’ and ‘I’m not hurting anyone’ (these are my favourite phrases), yet I’m starting to repeat myself, the next drink is the only thing I become interested in and I’m generally becoming quite an uncouth and undesirable person to be around – loud, sweary, zero-filters, you get the picture.
I’m not like this EVERY time I drink, or indeed drink lots, but the pattern is certainly there and I’ve lots count of the number of times I’ve woken up as an adult and regretted drinking because of something I said, or did. Many, many, many times. And it has to stop.
I’m a Dad now and I am deeply in love with my daughter and my wife. They are my world, although when I drink, this whole concept often goes out the window. Literally with every drink sometimes.
Maybe I’ll share a few of my experiences one day, I’m not sure I am quite ready yet.
Anyway, this is just the start of my journey. I’m done with waking up and knowing that the first thing I need to do is apologise for being a dickhead. It’s extremely degrading and hits my self-worth like something I can’t even begin to describe.
That brings me on to mental health and the catastrophic impact booze has on it – from my perspective at least. Maybe that’ll be the topic of my next blog.
I’ve just recalculated my ‘dry’ days and I’m on day 18 today. I think I lied yesterday and said I was on day 16 – I’ll take that as a small victory, albeit one day more.
I’m strangely enjoying talking to myself.
Anyone out there, yet? Anyone?